


Prayers and Confusion

by rosworms



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Sastiel - Freeform, Slow Build, season 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-23
Updated: 2014-09-22
Packaged: 2018-02-14 09:27:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2186505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosworms/pseuds/rosworms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam used to pray to God. When one angel answered Sam's prayers to bring his brother back, Sam starts praying to him instead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Castiel? I don’t know if you can hear me or not, and I know I haven’t prayed in a long time… even before Dean… But you saved my brother when I couldn’t. So yeah, I guess if I’m going to pray, you seem like the best angel to pray to. You have done so much for me, for us, saving Dean from Hell. But maybe… could you watch over him? He doesn’t seem to think he’s worthy of being saved and it makes me afraid that he might get reckless. I can’t- I can’t lose him again. So please… um… amen."

It was an awkward prayer, but it was the first one that Castiel had ever heard directed specifically to him. Prayers directed to his father were heard by all angels, but this was personal and secret. No other angels could hear prayers directed to a different angel. For a moment, he felt special, happy about his personal prayer. But then he remembered that pride comes before the fall, and he put it out of his mind. He was already charged with the protection of Dean Winchester, so in a way, he was already answering this prayer. There was no need to give it any more attention.

It happened again the next night. Castiel was giving orders to his garrison when the whispered prayer in his head interrupted his thoughts. It was more of he same. Grateful thanks to Castiel and asking him to watch over Dean. Nothing that really required his attention.

It really only confused the angel. He had yet to even meet Sam Winchester, but he knew who he was. The boy who’d been chosen to lead a demon army until he and his brother killed the demon who began it. The boy who, even without Azazel’s help, was now using the power that the demon had bestowed upon him. The boy who was travelling down a dark road that would lead him to the very place his brother had been rescued from. The boy who, apparently, prays to angels… and not for himself, but for someone else. It was very confusing to Castiel.

It kept happening. At least Castiel was now able to predict when the prayers would come, so that he wasn’t caught off guard. Each night, the boy who would be a demon king prayed to the angel of Thursday, and angel not even important enough to merit a mention in The Holy Bible. The prayers became more personal, almost as if Castiel were being used as a diary, but Sam Winchester never made any requests for himself.

~

"Castiel, I know I am probably just talking to myself. I don’t really know anything about your or angels beyond what Dean has said… and he doesn’t say much nowadays. I don’t know if you hear prayers, but I like to think someone is listening. I feel like I need to be able to talk. I’ve been keeping secrets from Dean. I hate it and I hate how it makes me feel, but I think it really is for the best. I’m helping people. I’m doing good with something that was meant to be bad. I just don’t think Dean would understand. Sometimes, he is so black and white. He can’t see the shades of gray. I just wish I could tell him the truth. I wish I knew what to do. Thank you for giving my brother back to me. Please help him learn to love himself and watch over him. Amen."

Castiel had already known about Sam’s secret powers and how he was using them. What he hadn’t known was how broken and confused the boy was. He now had a hint of it from the tone of Sam’s prayer. he also knew from this and from previous prayers that there was a chance that he could be saved from the hellfire that eagerly awaited him.

He decided it was time to pay Dean a visit. 

Castiel thought a little creativity was in order and he taught Dean a lesson on fate and that Sam’s tainted blood could never have been undone or stopped. He also wanted Dean to understand that it was neither his nor Sam’s fault, but rather their mother’s own demon deal that brought such strife to this family.

When he was fairly certain that Dean understood this, he then told Dean that he needed to stop Sam’s current actions.

He thought it was the best way to get through to both brothers. Surely Sam would listen to his brother over anyone else, especially a demon or an angel he’d never met.

The next night was not totally unexpected.

~

"Castiel, everything is wrong… just wrong. I never should have lied to Dean. It just made everything so much worse. I… Dean said he’d hunt me if he didn’t know me. Like I’m a monster. Maybe I am? He said you were the one who told him I needed to be stopped. So maybe… maybe there was never a chance for me. I just wanted- I just wish-"

The prayer was cut off suddenly, as if the boy had been interrupted. He probably had been. Sam sounded truly downtrodden and guilty. Castiel hooped that his extra curricular activities were over now. Hurt feelings were of little consequence in the long run.

For the next few weeks, everything seemed to be more positive. Sam’s prayers were thankful, repentant, clean and selfless. Castiel watched over the brothers from afar and knew the two were getting along better, as if a bridge between them was being rebuilt. And Sam seemed completely sincere in his desire to turn away from the demon influence in his life.

When Halloween came around, the chatter of Samhain was brought to Castiel’s attention. They were dealing with the seals the best they could, but this one was big. he and Uriel would need to pay a visit to the Winchesters. Castiel was curious to finally meet the boy who prayed to him each night.

~

He was not caught by surprise when the boys entered their motel room, Sam with his gun out. He’d felt their presence as they’d approached the door, but he was glad when Dean explained his identity to the younger Winchester. Feeling Sam’s awe, Castiel made sure to greet him before stating his reasons for being there.

"Hello, Sam." He could see Sam’s star struck wonder plainly on his face as the boy awkwardly stumbled through a greeting, accidentally taking the Father’s name in vain.

"I’ve heard a lot about you." Sam stuck out his hand. Castiel paused for a moment, wondering what it would feel like. Would it burn like hellfire or freeze like the cold of Lucifer? The hand of the one he knew to be tainted and he’d once thought to be beyond saving. The hand belonging to the one who was constantly reaching and grasping for salvation and grace.

"And I you." Castiel took his hand firmly, surprised at the warmth he felt. He wrapped his other hand over it in a comforting gesture. "The boy with the demon blood."

He’d meant to make it known to Sam that he was aware of his identity and of the struggles he faced, but it seemed as if it were not taken that way when Sam shrank back from him.

"Glad to hear you’ve ceased your extracurricular activities," he added, hoping Sam would understand that he was heard by Castiel and that he was now following the right path.

The two boys were, predictably, against the plan to destroy the city. He’d expected that, but did not expect the disappointment radiating off of Sam. It was too similar to the way many angels felt when Lucifer fell from grace. They’d all held him in such high regard only to be let down. It was the same feelings he was now getting from the boy.

Castiel wasn’t sure what caused it and he didn’t know why it bothered him, but he flinched when he listened to the conversation the brothers were having in their car when the meeting ended.

"This is what I’ve been praying to?" As if Sam didn’t plan on praying anymore.

It weighed on Castiel’s mind as he argued with Uriel in the park. Uriel, who spoke of their father’s creations so disrespectfully. Why couldn’t he see human beings for the beautiful creations they were?

That night Samhain was stopped. The seal was still broken.

That night there were no prayers from Sam Winchester.

~

"That little dirt crawlers used his powers… again." Uriel’s voice sounded off behind Castiel.

"Uriel, must you speak so harshly?" Castiel sighed.

"He was told not to and he disobeyed. He is not one of the precious little creations that you adore. He is an abomination. I could rid this world of his filth and send him down to where he belongs."

"You will do no such thing!" Castiel commanded, wings rustling with tension. But he knew Sam’s actions couldn’t be ignored. "Talk to the boy. Do nothing more than talk."

Uriel nodded before taking his leave.

Castiel needed to talk tot he older brother. The test was over and Dean needed to know the truth about it.

He found Dean Winchester on a park bench. During their conversation, he could feel the unease that swirled in the hunter and it took a considerable amount of self restraint to keep from asking about the hunter’s brother. Castiel reminded himself that Sam was only important in that Dean would never cooperate without him there.

Sam Winchester was not important.

So why couldn’t he stop thinking about him?

Castiel was patient. He’d been alive for millenia. He watched and waited as humans evolved and developed. Before that, he watched as one particle of dust joined with another and another until a big mass was formed, alter to be named Earth.

He had watched and waited with contentment all those years. So it perturbed him that one boy and his lack of prayers had Castiel wound so tight with tension after only four days.

If only he could understand why the young Winchester had stopped praying when he’d been doing so every night until Halloween. Surely his curiosity had nothing to do with Sam himself. It was about faith and Castiel’s impact on it. He wanted to know what he had done to negatively affect a person’s belief and faith. That was all.

Then Sam died.


	2. Chapter 2

Sam sat at the foot of his bed in the motel room. Everything was back to normal. All the wishes had been undone. The suicidal teddy bear was just a plushie, nobody was invisible, Dean’s food poisoning was gone, and Sam was alive.

He should be happy. He would be except for the one dark spot on this happy ending. Dean.

Dean had gone to get dinner about fifteen minutes ago and all Sam could think about was the torment that Dean must have suffered in Hell. Now he knew Dean remembered it all, but he wouldn’t talk about it.

In any other situation, Sam would think that not knowing was causing him to imagine scenarios far worse than reality. But he knew that in this case, h could imagine anything and it wouldn’t come close to what Dean had seen or experienced in Hell. That scared Sam more than anything. His brother suffered more than words could describe and Sam hadn’t been able to stop it.

His brooding was cut short by the sound of wind, a woosh as fabric rustled. He looked up and found his face mere inches from someone else’s torso.

"Ah geez! What the- ugh… I mean… hi. Hello, Castiel." Sam calmed his rapid pulse. He smiled in a welcoming way, but the angel stared at him with a look of concentration usually used by scientists who were inspecting a petri dish of bacteria.

"Do you need Dean? He should be back soon." Sam stood from the bed, feeling uncomfortable and needing his full height to keep from feeling intimidated. 

"You are alive."

Sam blinked.

"Uh, yes…"

"You were dead. I am certain of it." Castiel’s voice left Sam wondering if he thought it was good or bad that Sam was alive.

"I was…. oh! The wish! Yeah, there was a wishing well. I died, but the wishes were all undone… including my death." Sam shrugged.

"Someone wished you dead."

Sam wished he knew what the angel was thinking. He’d only met him once before and now he didn’t know if he should stay or hide. Not that hiding from an angel would do any good.

"Castiel, I’m not sure what you want from me." Sam held his hands up in defeat. Castiel took a few steps away from Sam, looking up as if in thought or sending a prayer.

"I am concerned about you."

"About my dying?"

"No." Castiel spun on his heel and was suddenly in Sam’s face, not unlike Uriel when he’d threatened Sam. He flinched, trying his damnedest not to cower in fear.

"I haven’t- I didn’t do anything. Halloween was the last time I used them, I swear. I got the message from the other guy."

He watched as Castiel squinted his eyes once again before slowly speaking.

"Do not fear me, Sam Winchester. I am not here to harm you."

"Oh." It was breathed like a sigh of relief.

"Your prayers… they’ve-"

"Soup’s on, Sammy!" Dean burst through the door, interrupting the angel. Dean’s triumphant grin faded when he saw Castiel. "Oh, what are you doing here?"

The angel opened and closed his mouth several times, looking from Sam to Dean and back again. If Sam didn’t know better, he would say that Castiel looked flustered.

"No, you know what? I don’t care. We’re taking the rest of the day off. I spent too long puking my guts out and Sam was dead for at least five minutes. I think that earns us a break. Time to relax." Dean waved his arms for emphasis as he ranted at Castiel.

Sam’s mouth twitched as he held back a smirk. His big brother wasn’t afraid of anything or anyone. Not even all powerful angels intimidated Dean. In fact, with Dean around, even Sam felt more at ease about the angel in the room. Without Dean there, Sam didn’t know what Castiel would do. Though he seemed kinder and even told Sam he wasn’t there to harm him, he knew what he was. And Uriel’s threatening manner in combination with his demonic taint instilled a healthy amount of fear in the young hunter.

"Yes, of course. I have not come with any orders. Now that I see your brother is alive and healthy, I shall take my leave." Castiel bowed his head slightly, turning his gaze to Sam. "Take care. I will be listening. Try to not… die."

A gust of wind blew through the room and Castiel was gone. Dean turned to Sam with confusion on his face.

"What the hell was that about?"

"I have no idea." Sam huffed out a laugh, grabbing the fast food bag away from Dean. "He seemed surprised that I was alive. Apparently the angels noticed I was missing, but not that I came back. It was only a few minutes."

"So he came… to what? See if I’d be more cooperative without my brother around? Take advantage of my grief?"

"I don’t think so. He said he was concerned about me. Probably just making sure I wasn’t disobeying orders or something." Sam rifled through the bag, handing Dean the burgers and retrieving a chicken sandwich for himself.

"But I thought you said he thought you were dead. How could you-"

"Dean, I don’t know. He’s your angel. You know him better than I do."

"I know he’s a bossy little asshole, is what I know." Dean muttered, biting into his food and ending the conversation.

~

"Castiel, I got the impression that maybe you really do hear me. You said you’d be listening, but I don’t know why. I’m sure this must be annoying to listen to, so you must have had a reason. I know Dean is the important one and you feel as if you have to keep me happy to keep him happy. You don’t. I get it. And it will just hurt in the long run if I try to keep my hopes up about my own salvation, so you don’t have to pretend for my sake. As long as you keep Dean safe, I’ll do my part… whatever that is. I’ll try not to distract him from whatever you need him for. Uh… amen."

Sam unfolded his hands and opened his eyes. It was a short prayers, but he felt it needed to be said. He already knew what Heaven thought of him. Having Castiel pretend to be nice just seemed cruel. He didn’t need false kindness. It only hurt worse because they had to have known his deep his faith went even before meeting real angels.

He looked over at his sleeping brother. He knew that Dean was the one the angels really needed. Sam’s worth was only in his ability to keep Dean on track. If Sam couldn’t do it himself, he was certain the angels would use him as leverage to manipulate his brother.

What Sam couldn’t figure out was why Castiel wouldn’t just say that to Sam. Surely that was his purpose for appearing to Sam instead of Dean. Well, he had just let Castiel know in his prayer that the message had been received. Hopefully, it would be a good enough answer for the blue eyes angel.

His phone buzzed two times and he sighed and rolled over in bed, grabbing it off the night stand.

-I’m nearby.-

Sam bit his lip as he stared at the text message from Ruby. He’d promised Dean there would be no more sneaking around. He’d also promised not to use his powers. He’s promised Dean and the angels both. His phone buzzed again.

-You know you want it.-

He shook his head. Somehow she’d convinced him to drink her blood… and it was good. The taste was nasty, but the feeling… and she was right. He did want it. 

-Not now.-

He typed the message and shut the phone. With a sigh, he tossed it back onto the table. He did want her blood even after a few tastes. It was addicting and that was why he had to refuse.

As soon as Sam pulled his blanket up and settled in for sleep, he turned his head towards Dean, who’s breathing was now in a forced rhythm. 

"I know you’re awake."

"Is that the only reason you’re still here?" Dean asked, eyes still closed. Sam rolled his eyes, but knew the question was deserved.

"No. I made a promise and I’m going to keep it."

"Good boy, Sammy." Dean’s voice trailed off as he relaxed back into sleep.

Sam smiled and tried to do the same.

~

Sam’s phone didn't stop buzzing for the next week with texts and calls from Ruby, which aggravated him. She was nowhere to be found when he looked for her, but she wouldn’t stop bothering him when he wanted to be left alone.

Apparently ignored texts and calls were not a strong enough message to her, because Sam caught her eyes one night when he was about to win $500 off of some schmo at a game of pool.

"Keep the money," he muttered, distracted as he walked away from a sure win. He could feel Dean’s burning glare at his back, but it didn’t bother him as much as it would have even a week ago. Their relationship was almost back to solid after Dean had awakened the first time Sam turned down Ruby’s text invitation to meet up. He was now certain that Dean’s glare was more about losing the money than the fact that Sam was approaching the female demon he hated so much.

"What’s the matter? You need a formal break up letter?" Dean shoved his way past Sam to confront Ruby.

"Can it, short bus. I got the message loud and clear, but this isn’t about me. I’ve been hearing talk about a girl. Escaped from a locked ward and demon seem pretty keen on finding her. Don’t know why, but I figured you’d be interested in finding her before they do."

It was a three day drive to the mental hospital where Anna Milton had been committed. Three days in the car with no distractions except the same cassette tapes Dean had owned since their dad gave him the car. And Sam thought it was the best time to follow through on his promise to air out all his secrets.

"Dean, I’m sorry." Sam looked over and saw Dean’s face scrunch with confusion, but he stayed quiet and waited for Sam to continue. "I know I disappointed you when you got back. I don’t know what you thought you’d find, but I know it wasn’t… this.. me."

"Sammy-"

"No, please. I wasn’t okay. Still not… maybe. You were in hell. All that time, I knew you were down there. No matter what I did. I ate dinner… you were in Hell. I took a walk… you were in Hell. I tried to sleep… you were in Hell." Sam took a deep breath to calm himself and stared at his hands. "So I went to a crossroad. Tried to deal. Didn’t want a year, or a month, or a day. I just wanted to trade places."

"What the hell, Sam?" Dean’s fist bumped against the steering wheel. "You weren’t supposed to do that! I went there to keep you safe and alive."

"It didn’t work anyway… obviously. No demon would deal with me. So then I just tried to forget. I drank… a lot. Ruby saved me. She did." Sam bit his lip and sighed. "But I think she also ruined me."

"You’re not… Sam, you’re not ruined or whatever."

"No, I am. I haven’t told you everything yet." He saw Dean’s fingers tighten over the wheel and the one vein in his neck was showing now.

"Dammit, Sam. I thought we were done with the lies and the secrets."

"That’s why I’m telling you now instead of just dealing with it alone."

"Yeah, you’re right." Dean breathed a few calming breaths and then waved a hand at Sam. "Okay, so deal with what alone?"

"My powers… they work on their own, but… shit. Demon blood makes it stronger." Sam paused, letting Dean absorb his words. "As in… I drank it. Demon blood, I mean."

Sam was thankful for his seatbelt when the car screeched to a halt.


	3. Chapter 3

He’d expected the punch to the jaw. It hurt like hell, but Sam expected it. He didn’t expect the apology that came an hour later.

Dean fumed during that hour while Sam tried to explain his state of mind when he’d given into Ruby. In the end, he couldn’t explain it any better than to just say that he was broken without Dean there. And Dean accepted that.

"Hell, I sold my soul after only a couple days. I don’t know what I’d have done in your place." Sam knew he wasn’t happy with the confession, but he accepted it. "I guess if you’re actually owning up to something that big… you’re serious about keeping the lines open with me. Sorry for uh… your face."

And it was good enough for Sam. Having his brother back and not feeling like Dean thought he was a monster was enough to keep him in a good mood… until they found Anna. And then Ruby showed up. And then another demon showed up.

"If Sam doesn’t do his thing, we all die. It’s simple." Ruby argued. Sam saw the war in Dean’s eyes, but it wasn’t needed. He wasn’t going back on his word at the first sign of trouble.

"We don’t need powers. We got angels that want Dean safe." Sam saw the fury in Ruby’s eyes at the suggestion. "Run if you want, Ruby."

He closed his eyes and bowed his head and prayed, silently.

"Castiel, we need your help. Please, if-"

The wind on his face, cut off his thoughts and he opened his eyes to find himself face to face with piercing blue irises. He stumbled back in surprise at how close the angel was.

"I am here."

"Yeah, I can see that. We’re about to have some company." Sam glanced at the statue that cried blood.

Sam saw Castiel’s eyes slide from his face over to where Anna and Ruby still stood. His face hardened before his eyes flicked back over to Sam. He knew he’d be in trouble now, for even being near the demon that taught him to use his powers in the first place. 

"Go!" Castiel pushed his hands out and the window behind the group shattered. "You’ll be safe. Jump. I will take care of it."

There was no time to second guess as the door was kicked open and Anna screamed. As Sam pushed Anna out the window, he looked behind and saw the face of the demon that scared Ruby so much. 

"Hello again, Dean. We’ve missed you… in Hell."

Sam saw recognition and horror wash over Dean’s face as his body froze. 

"Dean, go!" Sam pushed his brother out. He followed as soon as he saw a blade appear in Castiel’s hand and knew that the angel would take care of the demon.

~

Castiel appeared in the motel room where he knew the Winchesters would be. He could feel their presence. 

"Castiel." The younger brother stood from his bed when he noticed the angel’s presence. Dean stayed sitting down, choosing to lean against the wall with his arms crossed. "Are you-?"

"Where is the girl?" Castiel interrupted. There was no time for him to answer their questions. He’d been after Anna already, but the brothers had beat him to it.

"Anna? We got separated. We’re pretty sure Ruby took her, so we were waiting to hear from her."

"You let the demon take her?" Castiel was in Sam’s face, enraged by the answer, but the obvious fear in the boy’s eyes caused him to take a step back and clear the red from his vision.

"Hey! This wasn’t Sam’s fault. He didn’t let anyone do anything. It just happened.” Dean was on his feet and cut in between his brother and the angel.

Castiel didn’t miss he way Sam’s shoulders relaxed with Dean in the way. As if he needed to be protected from Castiel. He’d never harmed Sam and, if anything, showed him more compassion than any other angel would in his place. 

"Apologies." Castiel nodded. "But we need to find them."

"She’s been hearing angels. Are you going to help her? Protect her?" Sam asked. His face looked so hopeful and Castiel almost wanted to lie to keep that look from fading. But he had a duty.

"No. She has to die."

The hope gave way to disgust, disappointment, fear. He wanted to explain. He wanted the hope back. He needed to have Sam look at him with something other than what he was feeling for Castiel at the moment.

"Nobody’s killing anyone." Dean broke his concentration. He’d almost forgotten Dean was there. Dean, the righteous one. The one Castiel was supposed to protect. The important one. Sam was none of these things. He was only a consequence and not what Castiel needed to be thinking about.

"She’s not human. Not completely." He explained. "She is a fallen angel. She needs to be punished for her crimes."

"But isn’t falling… isn’t that the punishment?" Sam asked. Castiel could feel waves of emotion radiating from Sam’s soul.

"No. She fell of her own will… to escape. I don’t want her dead. Orders are-” He paused as he heard the voices of other angels in his mind. “She has been found.”

He left without another word. There was nothing else he could have said to either of them that would make them see. Orders needed to be carried out. Without order, there would be chaos and ruin.

Angels were created to keep peace… by following orders and commands.

It was what he was created for.

~

"I know you heard the demon." Dean said. Sam looked up from where he sat on the Impala. His mind had been running around over the last day. Nothing turned out the way he’d expected. He thought Castiel would help them, and he did, but in the end… Sam decided angels could be just as bad as demons. And yes, he’d heard the demon say he missed Dean in Hell. And he’d kept it in the back of his mind until now.

"Yeah, and I saw your face when you recognized him." He acknowledged.

"So aren’t you curious?" Dean wouldn’t look at him as he spoke. He stared off in the distance or looked at his beer bottle. Never at Sam and Sam knew that he was trying to keep his own emotions under control.

"Of course I’m curious. But I know what happens when I push you to talk. So… I’m here when you want to, but I’m not pushing." Sam figured that would be the end of the conversation. There was a long silence and he thought of getting up to take a piss in the bushes.

"It wasn’t four months."

"What?" He hadn’t expected Dean to talk. He was wrong.

"It was four months up here, but in Hell… I dunno. Time moves different. It was more like forty years." Dean took a breath and Sam knew his jaw had loosened in shock. "They sliced, and tore, and carved at me like you- until there was nothing left. And then suddenly, I would be whole again. Like magic."

The bitterness in Dean’s voice was so sharp. And Sam didn’t know what to do. So he clenched his jaw shut again and tried to be there.

"Just so they could start in all over. And Alastair… the demon from yesterday… at the end of every day…" Dean shuddered, trying to cover it by shuffling his feet and hunching his shoulders. "…every one… would come over, and he would make me an offer. To take me off the rack if I put souls on… if I started the torturing."

Sam swallowed, trying to dislodge the lump that had formed in it. He had to be strong. This was Dean’s time and Sam needed to be there for him. He had to be the strong one now. 

"And every day I’d tell him to stick it where the sun shines. For thirty years, I told him."

Oh. Oh.

"But then I couldn’t do it anymore, Sammy."

He could hear Dean’s tears and it made it that much harder to hold his own in. So he swallowed them down and clenched that jaw tighter. Hold it in. Fuck. He couldn’t imagine the guilt his brother was feeling right now.

"I couldn’t. And I got off that rack. God help me, I got right off it. And I started ripping them apart. I lost count of how many souls. The things that I did to them."

All he wanted was to wrap Dean in his arms and protect him from anything bad ever happening ever again. Sam wondered if that’s what it felt like to be Dean, the big brother. He took a breath.

"Dean," He coughed, that damn lump in his throat wouldn’t go away. "Dean, look you held out for thirty years. That’s longer than anyone would have."

"How I feel.. this… inside me. I wish I couldn’t feel anything, Sammy. I wish I couldn’t feel a damn thing."

That was it. Sam pushed away from the car and grabbed Dean’s shoulders, facing him. He looked at Dean’s wet face, the tears now flowing freely from his older brother.

"Dean…" Screw personal space or so called chick flick moments. He pulled Dean forward and wrapped his arms around him. He didn’t care about the wet spot that started to form on his shirt. He just waited and held on and eventually Dean reached up and held fistfuls of fabric as he held onto Sam like he’d die if they lost contact.

~

"Oh God… oh God, please help my brother. I didn’t know. He can’t live with this much guilt. Please… I don’t know what to do. I’m trying to be there for him, but he just doesn’t stop. We haven’t stopped in weeks. I’m so tired…"

Castiel sat down where he had been standing, in the middle of a forest in Maine. Since finding a vessel on Earth, he often liked to visit secluded areas that showed off nature as his Father originally intended. It was soothing to him. 

The prayer he’d just heard was full of anguish and exhaustion. It was not formal. It didn’t even end with an ‘amen’. But it also wasn’t intended for him. He’d heard it since he was so attuned to the Winchesters, but it was not meant for him.

Looking up at the sky, through the leaves and branches, Castiel wondered if he should visit the troubled hunter. He could tell him that his influenced saved a girl’s life. That would surely bring him some joy.

After capturing Anna, Castiel learned that she had no memories of even being an angel. For all intents and purposes, she was just a simple girl who happened to hear angel’s voices. Knowing this and remembering the look on Sam’s face, Castiel had petitioned for her life.

In the end, Anna was returned to the hospital with extra barriers placed in her mind to keep her angelic memories from her. They blocked her ability to hear. She was just Anna Milton… an orphan with schizophrenia. 

He wasn’t sure how long he sat after Sam’s prayer, but it was dark when he stood and unfurled his wings, leaving behind nothing but a breeze and flattened grass.

The motel room was dark, the boys already asleep in their beds. He had no plan upon arriving, just the urge to be there. Their sleep was restless. He didn’t need to be an angel to see that, but his grace did give him an advantage.

He stood between the two beds. Dean’s face was slick with sweat and Castiel could see his dreams when he looked. Dark, red, slicing, screaming, SAMMY!, black, ripping, tearing… he laid a hand on Dean’s head and the hunter let out a soft sigh as Castiel cleared his head of nightmares.

Castiel blinked slowly, trying to clear his own mind of the images he’d seen in Dean’s head. He turned slightly to Sam’s bed and raised his hand only to freeze when he saw Sam’s open eyes looking at him.

"Sam." He pulled his hand back as if Sam’s gaze alone was burning it.

"Castiel… w-what are you- why are you here?" He was clearly fighting his way to full wakefulness, batting at the cobwebs in his mind.

"I heard your prayer. I know it was not directed at me, but I heard it. I came to help… with sleep. You said you were tired."

Sam’s eyes widened and he blinked the last of sleep out of them as he pushed himself up, sitting against the headboard. His hand scrubbed at his face and pushed his hair up. 

It was endearing.

Sam was endearing. All of Sam, if Castiel had to admit. 

Castiel felt his right eye twitch once.

"Oh… yeah. Sorry. I didn’t know you could hear. I didn’t mean to bother you. With my prayers, I mean." The end of Sam’s sentence was distorted with a yawn. "Oh…" He looked over at Dean with a wince.

"He will not awaken, of that I have made sure. And your prayers… are no bother, Sam."

"Oh. Uh, cool… then." Sam’s forehead wrinkled as he looked at Castiel with concentration. "I’m sorry… uh, I know you said you came to help with sleep, but was there something else? You seem… tense. More tense than usual, I mean."

Sam was right, of course. The insightful human had always had an almost empathic talent, and it seemed it worked on angels too. And Castiel could feel the urge to talk, to tell him everything that he’d just been realizing. Feelings that he’d felt and was only now just realizing the implications of.

"Sam… I have been listening to your prayers since you first started directing them to me. I enjoy them and I can’t seem to get them… or you out of my thoughts. They always circle back to you and what you would think or do or feel. You, the boy with the demon blood. The boy tainted by Azazel and meant for darkness." He saw Sam cringe of self loathing and tried to put his thoughts into words. "I have fought with myself time and time again with matters concerning you. I have been conflicted in ways I have never felt before."

"I- I don’t… what are you saying?"

"I have developed… feelings… towards you. Though you are an abomination and our union would be seen as the greatest sin, I wish for it to be."

Sam’s jaw opened and closed, the click of teeth the only sound for a moment before he spoke.

"WHAT?!"

~


	4. Chapter 4

Sam glanced over at Dean’s bed, afraid his yell may have awakened his brother. Dean gave a soft snore and rolled over. Sam stood and grabbed Castiel by the shoulder, momentarily forgetting it was an all powerful angel of God that he was currently shoving out the door of the motel room. 

Outside, Sam shuffled from one bare foot to the next, trying to get his brain working again.

"Okay… what?"

"As I said, I have developed feelings for-"

"No. You don’t even like me." Sam shook his head. This wasn’t real. There was no possible way this could be happening. "You don’t even know me.”

Castiel tilted his head as he looked up at Sam.

"I know everything about you. Samuel Winchester, son of John and Mary Winchester. Born May 2, 1983 and visited by Azazel on November 2 of that same year-"

"Stop. Okay, you know facts. So does any computer. That doesn’t mean you know me. And I don’t know you."

"Are you refusing me?"

For a moment, Sam wondered if there were consequences to turning down an angel. But he didn’t know anyone who had been hit on by one before, so he had nobody to ask.

"Well, yeah. I’m sure you’ll get over it. After all, I’m nothing more than an abomination, a stain. Just remind yourself how horrible I am and it should help." Sam leaned against the closed door, running a hand through his hair. His chest ached as he recalled the way Castiel had just described him. The impurities within him that he had no control over, but would be damned for. The evil in him that he tried to scrub away with good deeds and faith. And none of it was ever enough.

"You can’t…" He placed a hand over his own heart, trying to calm himself. "You don’t like me, Castiel."

"But I do."

Sam could feel the angel step closer and he held his hand up to stop him. He closed his eyes before speaking again.

"No. When you care for someone, you don’t say things like that. You don’t… hurt them."

He heard the angel take a sharp breath and then the sound of rustling fabric. He felt the breeze move his hair and, when he opened his eyes, Castiel was gone. He sighed with relief and went back into the motel.

~

Sam didn’t want to be accused of keeping secrets, but he just couldn’t bring himself to tell Dean about the awkward conversation that had occurred between Castiel and himself. He wasn’t sure what he would say, if he decided to speak at all. There was no way to casually mention that your brother’s guardian angel seemed to think he was in love with you. 

So he forgot about it. He was sure that Castiel had already forgotten about it too, seeing as he hadn’t heard from the angel in a few days. The angel didn’t know what love was, that much was obvious to Sam. 

A knock on the motel room door caught his attention. He glanced at the time. It was too early for Dean to be back from the lead he was checking out, and he wouldn’t have knocked. He approached cautiously and looked through the peek hole. He sighed… Ruby.

"What do you want?" He called out through the door without opening it. 

"Are you seriously asking that? After I took care of Anna for you, only to be blown away by your angel and then left high and dry without word from you or your brother? Or were you just hoping that he’d smite me so you’d never have to hear from me?"

Sam glanced up to the heavens and sent a silent “Why me, God?” with an eyeroll before he gave in and swung the door open.

"It wasn’t like that, okay? We didn’t leave you there to die. We left you there because, after Castiel told us who she was and then left, we kind of… forgot… about you." He deflated at the end, knowing his excuse wasn’t much better than the accusation.

"Wow… after everything I’ve done for you. And what are you even doing here? The whole world’s going to Hell in a hand basket, and your in Magic Town, USA."

"You got something against magic?" Sam smirked, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"That would almost be funny if 34 seals hadn’t already been broken already. 34, Sam. That’s over halfway." Her face softened and Sam looked down, determined not to give her anything. "The angels are losing this war. Every day is one day closer and if someone doesn’t do something soon-“

"And that someone is me?"

"Who else would it be?"

"I don’t know where these seals are. I don’t know squat." Sam defended, voice raised as he towered over Ruby. "So why don’t you tell me where you’d like me to start?"

"Well, you can quit dicking around here, for one thing. Bigger fish, Sam. And if the seals are being broken, you might want to go after the one doing the breaking."

"Lilith?"

"Cut the head off the snake. You’re the only one who can stop her, Sam."

"Maybe you haven’t heard… but Dean is the only one who can stop her. It’s friggin’ prophesy." Sam blinked slowly, letting himself cool down.

"I know you don’t think he can handle this on his own. He’s not as strong as you. And you… the only reason you’re even alive right now is because you said you wanted revenge for Lilith taking Dean to Hell."

"Yeah well… revenge was only on the table because I couldn’t bring Dean back." Sam shrugged. "He’s back."

"This isn’t about Dean being back. This is because you don’t want to use your powers… even more, you don’t want to-"

"Damn right, I don’t want to."

"Well, tough! It’s the only way."

Sam breathed deeply, steeling his face and blinked at her.

"No."

Ruby rolled her yes and shook her head. 

"You know, this would all be so much easier if you just admit to yourself that you liked it."

"Yeah, I liked it. And I’m not doing it anymore."

"Fine." Ruby started towards the door and turned back once more. "It’s simple. Lucifer rises, the apocalypse starts. You think that you have demon’s on your hands now? People are gonna die, Sam. Oceans of people. So you just let me know when you’re ready." 

Sam watched her go and felt the tension leave his shoulders when the door shut once more. He sighed and turned back to the room, only to jump back when he found himself face to face with Castiel.

"Castiel!" Sam yelped as he stumbled backwards. Castiel reached out a hand to steady the tall hunter.

"I heard your prayer." Sam looked at him with confusion in his eyes. "You prayed ‘Why me, God?’ just five minutes ago."

The corner of Sam’s mouth twitched in what Castiel thought would have been a smile if he’d allowed it, but it was straightened again.

"Oh… no, that wasn’t. It wasn’t really a prayer. I was just thinking." Sam stepped around Castiel, giving a wide berth and staying far away. It frustrated Castiel a small bit to not be within arms reach.

"But you did address it to my Father. I heard it." 

Sam sighed and one hand went to the back of his neck, where he rubbed at the muscles. 

"People do that. They think things that may sound like prayer… but nobody really expects answers. It’s more… rhetorical. Just like- oh… oh no. Do you…" Sam pushed his hands through is hair. "Do you hear every time someone calls out God’s name during sex?"

Castiel nodded.

"Of course. They are rejoicing in the blessings of love and the joining of two bodies. They call out to my Father to bless their union and it is done."

One of Sam’s hands covered his mouth for a moment as his jaw hung open. Castiel watched his movements with fascination. When speaking to Dean, the older brother was more still until pressure built up and usually his movements exploded out of him. Sam was more animated when he spoke or even while thinking. Castiel wondered if movement helped to temper one’s emotions or if it was just a personality difference between the brothers.

All at once, Sam seemed to deflate. His body dropped to the bed and his shoulder hunched and shook. Castiel approached slowly, laying one hand on Sam.

"Are you quite alright?" He asked. When Sam looked up, tears streaming from his eyes, Castiel was confused. He was smiling and yet he was shedding tears.

"I’m fine. I… needed that laugh. But why are you here?" Sam used his forearm to dry his cheeks.

"I told you, I heard y-"

"Don’t bullshit a bullshitter, Cas- sorry, Castiel. Nobody, not even you, has ever come running at such inane thoughts… prayers, whatever, before. Why now?"

"I offended you with my confession when we last spoke. I did not realize my words would be considered hurtful. I wanted to apologize for bringing you pain. It was not my intention."

Sam nodded and looked at him, his elbows on his knees. Castiel had never felt the need to fidget, but Sam’s gaze made the hairs on his arms stand on end and his fingers itched to move. He held still and waited for Sam to speak.

"What was your intention?" Sam asked, slowly. 

"To declare my feelings of attachment to you."

Sam bit his lip and Castiel imagined he was picking his words with great care. 

"Okay… and what was the purpose in pointing out my countless flaws?"

"I only wanted to speak truth-"

"I’m not arguing the truth in it! Believe me, I know how much of a freak I am. Nobody could possibly hate me more than I hate myself sometimes. I just want to know why you couldn’t confess your feelings without telling me all the ways I’m undeserving of them?" Sam was standing now. He’d flown to his feet upon interrupting Castiel’s sentence and had paced as he spoke, whirling to a stop and facing Castiel at the end of his question.

And Castiel, for the first time in his existence, was speechless. He had no answer. He’d not even thought of editing thoughts out of his speech. When angels spoke to one another, it was every truth they could think of that relates to that particular subject. In their true forms, communication was like a train of thought instead of words. 

When it was apparent that Castiel would not defend himself, Sam exhaled. The lines on his face faded away and his expression softened.

"I’m sorry. I shouldn’t yell at you. You don’t even know what you are doing… or feeling. This vessel thing is new to you, right? And you have feelings you’ve never felt before because of it. You think you have feelings for me, but you don’t. Not really. Not the kind you think you have. And I shouldn’t get mad at you for that. You’re learning." 

Castiel was at a loss. He was supposed to be apologizing, but Sam had somehow turned it around and apologized to Castiel. And at that moment, Sam’s own words about himself rushed back into his mind.

"I know I must be annoying to listen to."

"And it will just hurt in the long run if I try to keep my hopes up about my own salvation."

"I’m nothing more than an abomination, a stain."

"I know how much of a freak I am. Nobody could possibly hate me more than I hate myself sometimes."

And while Sam was right about Castiel, his feelings were new, he was wrong in that Castiel didn’t understand them. He knew exactly what he was feeling. He also saw that Sam had a blind spot that kept him from seeing something truly important. His own worth.

Castiel nodded to Sam.

"I am learning, that is true. But I am no child and I know exactly what I feel." He unfurled his wings and left the young hunter. He flew on a plane not visible to human eyes, letting the stars and their fiery light organize his thoughts as he formed a plan.

~

Sam felt like shit. This job had been bad from the beginning and, even though they killed the bad guy, he didn’t feel like he’d done any good. Jay, the magician, was now alone… his two lifelong friends gone. One dead and the other couldn’t look him in the face. And knowing they’d done the right thing didn’t make Sam feel any better.

"Well, I don’t know about you but, I could go for a beer." Dean said.

"I think I might need something stronger than beer." Sam walked back to the table that Jay had vacated and pulled out a chair. Dean clapped him on the back before taking the chair across from him.

They drank in silence, letting whiskey and beer warm their fingers and toes, before Sam spoke up.

"Ruby showed at the motel room the other night."

"Ruby? I’d have thought Cas’d ganked her when he went for that red-headed chick… Anna."

Sam let another swallow of amber liquid roll around in his mouth before letting it go down.

"Yeah, she said something about us leaving her to that…"

"So what did she want?" 

"To inform me of exactly how many seals had been broken. To convince me to man up and uh… drink up." Sam gestured lazily with his glass before downing the rest of it. "You know… for the greater good."

Sam was about to gesture for the server to bring him another whiskey, but Dean shook his head and pushed his hand back down to the table. He held up his beer and made eye contact with the server.

"Did you tell her where to stick it?" Dean asked. Sam saw the eyebrow raise. Dean was so good at lying, but he was terrible at hiding his true intentions when there was no lie to be spoken. Sam knew he was waiting to hear if Sam gave into the brown haired demon’s convincing or not.

"Yeah. Yeah, I did. I just hate feeling so… helpless. Dean, we don’t have a snowball’s chance in He- fuck. We don’t stand a chance against Lilith. Ruby said 34 of the seals have already been broken. We haven’t stopped anything. It just keeps going."

He was vaguely aware that he might be rambling, but Dean was letting him, so he didn’t stop.

"It’s like… I only drank twice, right? But it felt so good. I felt powerful, ya know? I felt like I could do it… like I could kill her. Since saving you was off the table by then… what did I have to lose if I couldn’t? Nothing…"

He was staring too intently on his new drink to notice that Dean had slipped out of his chair. He jumped when Dean’s hand landed on his shoulder.

"Alright, Sasquatch… let’s get you home."

"What home?" Sam mumbled as he let himself be lead out of the bar.


	5. Chapter 5

Sam sat alone in the motel room. More than a week had gone by since the last case he and Dean had worked on. He suspected that was Dean’s doing since they’d stopped at every museum they’d passed as they drove around and Dean had even suggested a couple of health food restaurants. He was definitely trying to keep Sam’s spirits up after he’d drunken his sorrows away on their last hunt.

All of his efforts seemed to have gone to waste upon today’s discovery of Sam’s childhood friend gone ghost terrorist in their old school. That was why Sam was alone in the room now. Dean was out packing the car and he hadn’t even asked Sam to help, so he didn’t. 

"Sam…"

He jerked his head up, surprised to see Castiel standing there. He hadn’t even heard the rustling of fabric or felt a breeze as usual. 

"Castiel, what are you doing here?"

"I have spoken to Barry Cook."

"What? No, we’re getting ready to salt and burn his bones. He’s a ghost." Sam protested. Castiel came closer and Sam stood up, towering over the angel’s smaller body.

"Barry Cook is not the ghost you’ve been hunting. His soul is in Heaven… at peace." 

"But… he committed suicide. Isn’t that, like, an unforgivable sin?"

"Barry was sick, Sam." Castiel spoke slowly and looked into Sam’s eyes. Sam shifted his feet. "My Father would not condemn him to damnation for succumbing to a mental illness that he was born with and could not have helped. Barry fought a good fight. He remembered you. He said you helped him. His friendship with you is remembered fondly."

Sam could feel the prickling of tears forming in the corner of his eyes and blinked them away. A weight was lifted off his chest and he sighed greatly before giving Castiel a small smile.

"Really?"

"Yes. I will never lie to you, Sam Winchester. Your presence in his life had a profound impact and he would not have lasted as long as he had without your influence."

"Yeah but… if we’d stayed, maybe…"

Castiel put a hand on Sam’s mouth, stopping him in mid sentence. It was possibly the most intimate contact the angel had made with Sam and that, more than anything, silenced him.

"He would have died. And then you would have felt more guilt, even though you were the one good thing in his life at that point. Do not worry yourself over the past… do not take the one positive in his adolescence and make it negative." 

Sam nodded slowly and Castiel lowered his hand just ask the door opened.

"C’mon Sammy, it’s ge- Oh, come on!" Dean stomped his feet like a petulant child when he saw Castiel standing in front of his brother.

"Dean, Barry’s not the ghost." Sam ignored the almost tantrum that his brother had had started.

Dean froze mid foot stomp and looked back at him with surprise. 

"What? But it fits perfectly. Who else could it be?"

"I believe the ghost you are searching for is an individual by the name of Dirk MacGregor, Jr." Castiel looked to Dean and then back to Sam, his eyes seeming to search for something. 

"Dirk Mac- wait… Dirk the Jerk?" Sam asked.

"Dammit, Sam. Did you know everybody at this school?" Dean gaped at him. Sam rolled his eyes.

"That… is one name for him, yes. It did stick with him until his life ended."

"Until…" Sam sat down on the edge of the bed and took a deep breath, running his hands through his hair. He looked up at Castiel. "Did he… I mean, was I… how did he die?" Sam clenched his eyes shut as he stumbled through his question, dreading the answer.

"He did not commit suicide, Sam." Castiel’s voice was closer than he expected. He opened his eyes to see the angel crouching in front of him, hands hovering as if he wanted to give comfort and didn’t know how. "But he did die of a drug overdose."

"Was it my fault?" Sam whispered. 

"No. You acted in self defense. You had no idea that the name you called him would be remembered. There were-"

"Wait!" Sam jumped at Dean’s yell, almost forgetting that his brother had been there as he focused on Castiel’s words. "This is the kid that was beating you and your friend up? Sam, the kid was a jerk.”

"He was a kid!"

"He deserved to get a taste of his own medicine."

"Dammit, Dean!" Sam stood up, shoving Castiel out of the way. He froze when he realized what he’d done and turned back to him.

"Sorry, I didn’t mean… " Sam cringed. He wondered how many times he’d have to lose his temper before Castiel forgot about his crush and decided to smite him straight to Hell instead. Maybe he deserved it.

"It’s quite alright. You are upset and I know you did no harm. I am infinitely stronger than you." Castiel’s words brought a small smile to Sam’s face for a moment. It was true and he knew that Castiel was only trying to tell the truth, not boast, but the angel had much to learn.

"Thanks. Still…"

"Sam, you were not the catalyst in Dirk’s fate. There were other circumstances that lead to his behavior and his choices… his death." Castiel was standing so close to Sam that, if he ignored everything else in the room, he could almost feel an electrical aura brushing his skin and raising his hairs on edge.

"Okay, so we gotta salt and burn this Dirk guy. Since you already did this much, how about telling us where his body is?" Dean pushed his way between the two of them. He gave Sam a hard questioning look before raising his eyebrows at Castiel, waiting for an answer.

"I have not discerned the answer to that yet. My immediate concern was to let you know that Barry is not the ghost." 

"Why are you helping with this, anyway? I mean… thanks and all, but don’t you have more important, apocalyptic shit to be worrying about?" Dean asked, staying in front of Sam almost defensively.

“You are the important “apocalyptic shit” that I am currently supposed to be worried about.” Suddenly, the soft and caring angel was gone and Sam saw the same angel he’d seen when they first met. His voice was gruff as he spoke to Dean and his face was hardened and serious. Sam almost got the impression of a cat fluffing it’s fur to seem intimidating, except this angel with phenomenal cosmic powers actually was as dangerous as he seemed. “Since you two seem to attract danger and death from all corners of reality, it seemed prudent to watch more closely that I had been.”

With that, Castiel disappeared, leaving only a wind that blew the motel’s advertisements and pamphlets off the table.

"Nice going, Dean." Sam rolled his eyes.

"What the hell, Sam? I thought you hated angels as much as me? Why do you two seem so…. I don’t even know…. different, close?" 

Sam groaned and wiped his hands across his face.

"Your guardian angel thinks he’s in love with me."

Dean had nothing to say for a solid two minutes. His facial expression changed every few seconds, but no words came out.

"Wha….. huh?"

"I said-"

"Oh no… I know what you said. When the hell did this happen?" 

"Um… a couple nights after you told me about Hell and Alastair." Sam fell onto his bed and covered his face with one arm. 

"That was weeks ago. Why did you tell me? I thought we were done with the secrets, Sam."

"I have to tell you everything now? Every little detail? Because I could tell you about the last time I jerked it in the-"

"Stop! Okay, I get it. Still… what the hell is it with you attracting things that aren’t human? Werewolves, demons, and now angels…. damn, Sammy."

"Shut up."

~

"Dirk!" Sam yelled as he cocked his rifle and aimed. The substitute bus driver’s body looked at him with a smirk before Dean wrapped a salt soaked rope around him from behind. 

"Sam Winchester… still a bully." Dirk said.

"I’m not a bully." Sam kept the gun on him as Dean entered the bus full of students. He found the lock of hair that Castiel told them about right away and brought it back to Sam and Dirk.

"Of course you are. You beat me up, called me Dirk the Jerk. And now…" He looked at the lock of hair that Dean held onto.

"Think back, Dirk. You tried to fight me several times before I finally fought back. You remember… I know you do. You made Barry miserable. You were the bully." Sam lowered the rifle before he continued. Dean held back silently, ready if Sam’s plan didn’t work. "I get it. You were unhappy. You hated that everyone else seemed to have it better than you. So you wanted to make them hurt on the outside… just like you hurt on the inside."

"It wasn’t fair!" Dirk yelled.

"Life isn’t fair! Look at me. Look at Dean. We grew up in a car and countless motels all over the country. Never stayed anywhere long enough to have a home. Our dad trained us like friggin’ warriors… so we could hunt monsters and ghosts. We didn’t get childhoods." Sam was getting closer as he spoke. "But I tried my damnedest and I got out for a while… only to be pulled right back in when a demon killed my girlfriend. And then killed our dad. And then got someone else to kill me. Yeah, I died. Then Dean brought me back and he died. Does it seem like our lives are any better than yours?" 

Dirk was shocked into silence and he shook his head. 

"No. Everybody has their shit, Dirk. But not everybody takes it out on others. I know it hurts. Just… let it go. Holding onto it like this… as a ghost… it’s bad and it will only feel worse and hurt worse. Just… let it go. Move on."

"I just…" Dirk began to cry. "I just want to see my mom again."

"You know where she is."

Dirk nodded and, with a sigh, let go of the driver’s body. The unconscious man fell with a quiet thud. The ghost of Dirk was dark, almost smoky like a demon, but he began to glow and then he disappeared.

"Holy shit, it worked." Dean laughed out of surprise. 

"What the hell was that? Who the hell are you?" The coach stepped off the bus, pointing a finger at the driver’s unconscious body as he yelled at Sam and Dean.

"Uh… we uh…" Dean gave up trying to come up with an answer and booked it out of there. Sam wasn’t far behind, hopping in the Impala as Dean put it in gear.

~

"Hey, Castiel… I know it’s been a long time since I actually took a moment to pray. But I wanted to thank you. Lately, I’ve felt like… no matter what good we do, we’ve just been making people miserable for the sake of what’s ‘right’. No matter what we did, it just felt like we didn’t really help anybody. We tried to help Jack… but in the end he killed Travis and we had to kill him. And now his wife and baby are alone. Then there’s Anna. I… sorry… I wish I hadn’t called for you. She could be alive. And Jay… lost his lifelong friends because we had to do the ‘right thing’. It’s… hard to do the right thing when it sometimes feels like things could be better if you didn’t."

Sam clutched his chest, feeling the pain of the last few months just building as he thought about it.

"But you helped us do something good. I got to help Dirk, not just destroy him like any other ghost. It felt… like the right thing. And it felt like we helped. That’s… thanks. Amen."

Castiel listened to Sam’s prayer. He listened to how trying and depressing it was to work for a greater purpose and wonder if it’s really worth it. He extended his grace and felt as Sam poured out the emotions he felt as he described the let downs he’d been dealing with as of late. As Sam talked of the lives he saved and wondered if they were really better off than before.

It was difficult to realize how human minds focus on smaller details. Even while knowing there is a greater good, a greater purpose, it is difficult for them to completely understand. The more time Castiel spent on Earth, among the humans, the more he was able to understand the human way of thinking.

Angels are so far away, so far above humankind. Castiel had always seen humanity as a whole. As one thing. But the more time he spends with them, with the Winchesters, the more he sees individual lives. He understands that some must perish for many to survive, but when he stands beside them, he can see how even one loss can affect whole families and communities.

Spending time on Earth has given Castiel a greater appreciation for each and every one of his Father’s precious creations. He found himself spending less time in nature and more time in public places. Parks, shopping malls, and his new favorite; airports. 

Yet, all this time he was watching and coming to a new understanding of humanity and human beings, Castiel never saw one as pure as the one being he’d originally thought to be nothing more than an infestation or byproduct or demon activity.

This human, precious beyond measure to Castiel, was now thanking him. Sam finally felt as if he’d done some good and Castiel had helped. He’d been watching, of course. He’d seen Sam use his mind and his feelings to reason with the ghost. He’d seen Sam bring the ghost peace. He’d seen the soul finally freed from it’s burden and lifted to Heaven. 

Castiel wished he could say that he rejoiced in the Heavenly placement of one more soul for it’s own sake, but it would be a lie. He rejoiced in the new found confidence in Sam Winchester. He rejoiced in the lightening of Sam’s heart when he felt his actions had finally been worth something.

And now he rejoiced in Sam’s regained trust in Castiel. At least enough of it to open up to him again. To pray.


	6. Chapter 6

Sam was brushing his teeth when his phone started vibrating. He looked down at it. Another call from Ruby. He’d already ignored her four times this morning. He rolled his eyes and rinsed his mouth before finally answering.

"What?" He softly asked, glancing out the bathroom door to make sure he didn’t accidentally wake Dean.

"While you were off reliving your high school glory days, were you aware that another seal was broken?"

"I wasn’t re- are you following us?" 

"Someone’s gotta try and keep you on track. Have you forgotten that there’s an apocalypse to stop?"

"I’m very much aware of it. Unless you know where Lilith is and what seal she’ll be trying for next, leave me alone." He hung up and sighed, staring at the phone for a second before grabbing his toiletries bag and heading back to the bedroom. He nudged Dean.

"Hey. Up and at ‘em, kiddo." 

Dean jerked and opened his eyes with a small groan. He glanced at the clock.

"You’re up early. What are you doing?" He asked as he pushed the blankets off.

"Nothing. Couldn’t sleep." Sam tugged his shoes on. "Ruby called."

Sam thought he saw relief wash over Dean’s face, but quickly dismissed that. There’s no way his brother would be relieved to hear from that particular demon, or any demon.

"Yeah? What did the she-devil want now?"

"She’s been following us. But that’s not the real news this morning. I found us a job. A guy in Bedford, Iowa beat his wife’s brains out with a meat tenderizer." Sam grabbed the paper from where he’d set it on his bed.

"Yikes." Dean wiped he sleep out of his eyes and looked at the article.

"Get this. Third local inside two months to gank his wife. No priors and all happily married."

"Sounds like Ozzie and Harriet." 

"More like the shining."

"Alright… supposed we better have a look." Dean tossed the paper aside and got up to shower and start packing.

~

A specialist had shown up at the County Medical Center when Sam and Dean went to get the blood. Doctor Nick Monroe was there to examine the very same blood samples, much to the chagrin of the proud medical examiner who already told them there was nothing to find except for oxytocin.

Sam pulled Dean aside.

"Dude, I’m gonna stay here with the doctor. If he’s already running the blood samples, one of use has to stay here with him to try and get some of it." 

"So, what am I supposed to do?" Dean asked.

"I don’t know, but it will seem suspicious if we both are hanging out for no reason. Just… go back to the strip club. Maybe see if anyone’s acting extra… besotted."

"Besotted?"

"Infatuated, in love, extra goofy…. just… whatever." Sam sighed.

"Yeah okay…" Dean waved him off and left the medical center.

Sam smiled at Doctor Monroe.

"Well, Doc… since I have more questions about the blood, myself, I guess your stuck with me."

It didn’t take long for Sam to realize this man was practically perfect in every way. He was good looking, sure, but that wasn’t what attracted Sam the most. Doctor Monroe, or Nick as he told Sam to call him, was painfully shy and took at least half an hour to warm up to Sam. He was very invested in his work and didn’t try to hide his intelligence, only just shy of boasting when he talked about himself. 

Nick was so serious and stiff, only letting the smallest hints of emotion be seen. Sam waited for the small lift of the corners of his mouth, the light of the eyes, raised eyebrows of surprise.

He was perfect and Sam was smitten. He forgot all about the blood samples and enjoyed himself as he talked with the good doctor. And before he knew it, they were both standing very close together. Closer than Sam’s personal bubble usually allowed, but he only felt the insistent need to be even closer.

"Sam, this may seem forward… may I kiss you?" The formal language the doctor used reminded Sam of someone, but he must not have been important if Sam couldn’t remember who. 

He nodded dumbly and his knees almost turned to jelly when their lips met.

"Do you love me?" Nick asked as he pulled away. Sam leaned forward, trying to extend the kiss and not wanting those lips to leave.

Sam nodded again, clearing his throat as if it would help him think straight. “Yeah- uh… yes. Yes.”

"I need you to do one thing for me. A favor." Nick smiled up at him. Sam melted.

"Anything."

~

"Castiel, I need to see you. This is really important. Please."

Castiel heard Sam’s prayer, but something about it felt off. It felt hollow. He could not sense Sam’s soul as an overwhelming presence pushing it out into the infinities as he usually did.

Still, it was Sam. Sam wanted to see him and he did not sound as if it were life or death. So Castiel extended his wings and flew, letting his grace guide him to Sam’s location. 

He found himself in a medical laboratory, looking at Sam.

"Sam, what…" Castiel trailed off and tilted his head in concentration. There was another presence here, and it wasn’t human. "We need to leave here." He grabbed Sam’s hand and got ready to take him away.

"No." 

Castiel’s eyes widened in surprise as Sam pulled away. The other presence Castiel felt made it’s way around him and stood beside Sam. He recognized the creature for what it was and his heart felt heavy when he realized the situation he was in. 

"You have poisoned him."

"No, I gave him what he needed. What he didn’t even know he wanted. You… with some changes."

Castiel’s eyes flickered over to Sam and back to the siren again. Sam wanted him? Somewhere inside, Sam returned feelings for Castiel.

"What changes?"

"Oh, you know… acceptance. No pre-judgement. Just complete acceptance of who he is." And the siren shrugged. "Or at least he feels that way."

"I accept Sam for who he is. I love him for it."

"Well, now he loves me. He’ll do anything for me. Sam, tie up your angel friend."

Castiel stood and let himself be restrained by Sam, his hands tied behind his back with Sam’s necktie. He could break free at any moment and did not fear for his life, but he couldn’t let the siren know that yet. He needed to make sure Sam was safe first. Especially as Sam was following orders that, in his right mind, he should know were useless against an angel.

The siren handed Sam a scalpel fresh from it’s packaging.

"Sam… why don’t you carve your name into Castiel’s chest while you tell him why you love me more than you could ever love him?"

Sam nodded and took the scalpel. He ripped Castiel’s shirt open and pulled it and the trench coat down to his elbows.

"Sam, I love you no matter what you do." The eyes that met Castiel’s flashed angrily. Brown made way for flecks of bright green as Sam sneered.

"I don’t love you.” Sam lifted the scalpel and started to dig into Castiel’s flesh. As Dean’s demon slaying knife went into him, the sharp scalpel did the same, though the damage Castiel let it do would not be permanent and caused him no physical pain.

"I could never love an angel. Not anymore. Not after what I have seen. I saw the way you hesitated when we first met. I thought at first that you just didn’t understand handshakes… but it was me. You were disgusted by me." Sam sliced, rivulets of blood rand down from the letter ‘S’.

"I’d believed ever since Pastor Jim first read Bible stories to me and Dean. I always knew you were out there and I had faith. And you came… and you took that faith and you crushed it. You stepped on it like it was worse than dirt." The ‘A’ was carved more enthusiastically as tears fell from Sam’s eyes. Castiel paid no mind to the smirking siren standing in the corner. His eyes were for Sam alone.

"It wasn’t my fault! I didn’t ask for the demon blood. I didn’t want it! Why am I not good enough for God? Why do I- no… Nick loves me… demon blood and all. He never thought less of me for it. Never. No matter what you say, what you think you believe now… I know how you first saw me."

Castiel listened. He knew the heart break was real. He knew he’d caused it. 

"Sammy, why aren’t you answering your phone? Wh-" Dean’s habit of showing up unexpectedly was a trait that Castiel had found highly annoying until now.

"Dean, it’s a siren!" Castiel yelled.

"Ya think?" Dean’s sarcasm was not appreciated, but he ignored it as Dean lunged forward, pulling a small blade from his coat and jabbed it into Sam. Castiel broke free of his ties and caught Sam as he stumbled out of pain and surprise.

The siren had been standing in the corner when Dean burst in and had nowhere to run from there as Dean ran for it. When Sam saw where Dean was going, he tried to pull away from Castiel, but the angel held tight.

~

It happened so fast. One moment Sam was certain of what he was doing, what he felt. The next, his world flipped and and turned inside out in a way that made him want to throw up.

With a start, he remembered that the chest he was currently restrained against was the one he’d carved so callously into.

"Cas!" He spun in Castiel’s arms and put his hands on the skin, now clear of injury though the smears of blood remained. "I did- I… oh god."

"Sammy?" Dean’s voice sounded cautiously behind Sam. His stomach did a flip as he recalled the feeling of slicing through Castiel’s skin. He pulled to the side and fell to his knees.

"Sam…" Castiel’s voice was soft right next to his ear. He felt hands gently card through his hair and he jerked away. He didn’t deserve comforting touches or caring tones of voice. He retched helplessly, his stomach pulling tight as he emptied it of the meal he’d had earlier.

"Dude, gross…" Dean said. "What the hell happened?"

"I… I thought… I thought I was in love. And he asked me to call for Castiel." Sam sobbed out his explanation. "I’m sorry, Cas… oh god."

Sam fell back away from his puddle of vomit and pulled his knees to his chest. He saw Dean’s still confused face, but he couldn’t speak anymore.

"Sam was under the spell of the siren. While under the influence, he was made to restrain me and carve into me with a scalpel." Castiel’s eyes met Sam’s and Sam looked away, knowing that the angel’s eyes were still on him. "I was in complete control at all times. I could have escaped, but I didn’t know what the siren would do to Sam if he knew he couldn’t harm me. I was never in any physical pain or danger."

He knew that. Sam knew that. He even knew that while he was doing it, but it didn’t seem to matter. Nick had requested it of him and he didn’t ask questions… just obeyed. And it didn’t matter if it didn’t hurt Castiel. Sam probably would have killed him if he could have.

"He… carved you like…" Sam looked up when he heard the realization in Dean’s voice. He got it now. Dean would be ashamed of Sam, he knew it. It took him thirty years before he cracked down and did anything like that. All it took for Sam was a weak ass spell from a siren.

He choked down another sob, burying his face in his knees.

"I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, god Cas, I’m sorry…" He couldn’t stop. The words kept tumbling out, muffled by his legs. He barely heard Castiel and Dean as they decided that Castiel would get Sam safely back to their motel room while Dean took care of the body.

He flinched when Castiel’s hand landed on his shoulder again, and then his body felt sickeningly twisted and he was on his bed, springs bouncing from his sudden weight.

"Sam… Sam!" He was ripped out of his mumbling and apologizing when two hands gripped his face and pulled it up. He was forced to make eye contact with Castiel. 

"You must calm down. You are not to blame for anything that happened today, and you did not harm me. If anything, I should be apologizing to you. The things that you said-"

"No! God no, Cas. Sorry… Castiel."

Castiel’s eyebrows rose for a fraction and his head tilted to the side.

"I quite like the shortening of my name. I have come to understand that nicknames are a sign of affection for humans."

"Oh… okay. But yeah… no. The things I said… it wasn’t me. I didn’t mean them." 

"But you did. Not maliciously, I know. But you were hurt by me… and it was a deep enough hurt that it still weighs on you." Castiel let go of Sam’s face and he sat on the bed, facing him.

"Yeah, it hurt. At first it was surprising… and then… well, I get it. I don’t blame you. It hurts, but I understand it. You- I know we already talked about what you told me that night you… and that really hurt, more because I thought I was used to it and I guess I wasn’t. But it’s still true. I think that’s why…" He trailed off. He wasn’t making any sense, but he was too drained to try to unscramble his thoughts.

"Sam, I have to inquire. The siren said that what you wanted was me."

"It doesn’t mean anything." Sam sighed, letting his head fall forward once again.

"It does. It means ever-"

"It doesn’t mean what you want it to mean. Wanting you in theory is very different from having you… especially when you’ll realize how wrong you were and smite me to hell for it or something. So no, Cas, it doesn’t mean anything."

He didn’t look up, but Sam felt Castiel’s weight lift from the bed.

"If you say so, then alright." Castiel’s hand was on him again and he didn’t have the energy or will to shrug it off. "You’ve had a trying day. Sleep."

And that was the last thing he remembered as the warm darkness welcomed and wrapped around him.

~

Castiel watched over Sam’s still form, keeping him safe, until Dean arrived and demanded answers.

"I have already explained to you the events that transpired." Even though he knew his grace would keep Sam unconscious until his body was completely rested, Castiel kept his voice soft.

"But why did the siren want you there? I mean… that’s what it’s been doing, getting people to gank their own family… the ones closest." Dean tossed his jacket over the post of his own bed and sat down to kick off his shoes as Castiel watched.

"I believe I was targeted because of Sam’s romantic desires. The siren imitated facets of myself in a more human setting to give Sam a version of myself that he viewed as more… attainable." Castiel could feel his brow wrinkling as he spoke. He was unable to keep the frown off his face as he felt that Sam maybe wouldn’t have fallen victim to the siren if not for Castiel.

Dean’s feet thumped on the floor as he stared at Castiel, the corners of his eyes wrinkling as he glared.

"Wait, you’re saying my brother’s got the hots for you?" He stood up, waving his arms as if to clear the air. Castiel thought maybe he was. Maybe metaphorically clearing the air of jumbled thoughts helped this man organize his mind.

"That would be one way to say it, yes."

"No. No… because Sam said it was you who had the hots for him.”

"That is also true."

"But…" 

"Dean, as your brother has informed me… it does not matter. Even if he does desire me on some level, he has not and will not accept it at this time."

Castiel watched Dean as Dean watched his younger brother. Everything about him cried out ‘protector’. His protective stance, the softened face as he kept his eyes on the one he looked after.

"No, it matters. He won’t admit it… but it matters. I know my brother. Eventually feelings will win out. They always do. It’s usually what brings our disagreements with each other to a head." Dean shook his head and then stalked over to Castiel. "But if you hurt him… I will find a way to hurt you."

"I have already hurt him enough. I think my presence may only be troubling to him after tonight. I shall… stay away."

"No!" Dean cringed from his own yell, glancing back at Sam before continuing. "No, you can’t just stay away like that. Not after what Sam did. He’ll think you blame him. You don’t… do you?"

Castiel felt his feathers ruffle behind his back at the implied accusation. He knew Dean couldn’t see his wings, but he couldn’t help the reaction.

"Of course not."

"Good. But you can’t… I know him. He already feels guilty. Don’t make him think you hate him after this."

Castiel dropped a blade from his sleeve, catching it in his hands. He saw Dean take a step back, but bravely stood between the angel and his brother even in his confusion.

"Take this." Castiel flipped it and offered the blade to Dean, who took it hesitantly.

"What is it?"

"This is the only thing that will kill an angel. I am putting my faith in you, just as Sam once put his faith in my siblings and I. I give you my word that I will never intentionally cause your brother pain. And now you the means to keep your promise."

Dean’s jaw hung loosely as he experimented with the weight and balance of the angel blade. 

"Uh… thanks."


	7. Chapter 7

Heaven was abuzz. A small town’s natural order has been interrupted as their local reaper went missing. 

"Sir? We’ve found where the reaper is being kept." Castiel was approached with the news. He nodded.

"Dispatch a team to retrieve it. This seal cannot be broken." He dismissed her. She didn’t leave and he raised his eyebrows in question.

"Sir… the building has been proofed against our kind. But… the Winchesters…"

"Yes… yes, this would be a job for them."

"We could inform them with a phone call from their surrogate uncle, Robert Singer."

Castiel looked at her in alarm, turning that idea down immediately. He could not deceive Sam like that. Not now and hopefully not ever again.

"No, I will be the one to work with them on this."

Castiel let his grace guide him and he appeared in the backseat of their vehicle.

"Sam… Dean…"

The tires squealed loudly as Dean swerved.

"Fuck! Cas! Could you not just appear when I’m driving the goddamn car?!" He yelled, glaring at the angel in his rear view mirror.

"Apologies. Next time, I will wait until you reach a stop." Castiel nodded. He watched Sam, who he noticed hadn’t even turned his head to look. "Hello, Sam."

It was his first time seeing Sam since the incident with the siren just a few days ago. Sam nodded slowly, keeping his face forward and down.

"Hey, Castiel."

"I hope you are feeling well."

"Yeah… you?"

"Oh my god, you two. Just stop with this painful awkwardness." Dean growled, interrupting the stilted conversation. "Cas, you got a reason for dropping in like this?"

Castiel nodded, grateful for the interruption.

"Yes. You are needed to prevent the breaking of a seal. Demons have taken a reaper… and they will take another one. To break the seal, they will need to kill two reapers."

"Kill death? Can they even do that?" Sam asked.

"Yes. It is difficult, but it can be done. They have covered the building in angel proofing sigils… we can’t penetrate it."

"So what are we supposed to do about it? Only the dead and the dying can see reapers. How are we supposed to save them- it?" Dean glanced back through the mirror.

"You can’t see reapers, but you can see the demons."

The seal was saved with their teamwork. Sam and Dean were able to fight the demons, luring Alastair out of the protected building. Castiel was able to capture the demon and the town’s circle of life began to turn once more.

~

"Sam, you can’t keep on like this." 

Sam looked at his brother in surprise and then back to the road. It wasn’t often he got the chance to drive and he didn’t need an accident to reinforce his brother’s need to be in control of the car.

"What are you talking about?"

"You and Cas. It’s been two weeks since the siren. You wouldn’t talk about it then, and you barely spoke to Castiel when we worked together to save the reapers."

"There’s nothing to talk about." Sam said through his teeth. His jaw clenched.

"Yeah right. When Dad died, all you wanted to do was talk. This affected you to the point where you had a panic attack and puked on the floor. Just… I’m here. And I do understand how fucked up you can be after tort- after you know."

Sam gave up. He couldn’t drive when all he was seeing was red, so he pulled off to the side of the road and gave a sigh. He let is forehead fall to the steering wheel as he breathed in silence for one moment.

"You can say it. Torture."

"But it wasn’t really, Sam. Cas even said he wasn’t in any pain. You didn’t actually hurt him."

"But I would have even if it did hurt him! Don’t you see, Dean? I would have killed him if Nick- if the siren had asked me to." Sam pushed back from the steering wheel, tilting his head up. If he kept his eyes up, maybe he could keep the tears from falling.

"He knows it wasn’t your fault. You’re the only one blaming yourself for that."

"That’s only because he thinks he loves me."

"He seems to think you might like him too."

Sam tensed. They were not talking about this.

"That’s ridiculous."

"Really, Sam? Because that siren also seemed to think the same thing."

"Well, you don’t have to worry about me. Nothing will ever come of it, so you can save whatever speech you had planned about me traipsing off with another supernatural being after my last disastrous escapade."

Dean was quiet next to him. No ‘damn right’ or anything, so he finally looked over. He almost jerked back in surprise at the soft expression on his brother’s face.

"Sammy… yeah, I’m worried. Not because of what you’ll do. Your my baby brother." Dean shrugged. "I don’t want you to get hurt. Act on your feelings or don’t. It’s not my choice… just… don’t leave yourself unprotected, especially when we still don’t know much about angels in general."

"Yeah…. yeah okay." Sam nodded with a sheepish smile.

"Great. Now get out and let me scoot. I’m driving." 

Sam laughed and did as he was told, letting Dean take them as far as he wanted before stopping at a random motel in the middle of nowhere.

"Home, crappy home." Dean muttered as he dropped his bag in the dark room. Sam reached for the light and froze when he turned back.

"Winchester… and Winchester." Uriel stood before them, intimidating as ever. Castiel stood behind him, against the wall with his hands in his coat. 

"C’mon…" Dean grumbled. "I thought you got transferred or whatever."

"It was decided that your current watcher has become to close to the situation and his subjects.” Sam’s eyes stayed on Castiel while Uriel talked. Castiel’s eyes flicked up guiltily for a moment before he went back to staring at the carpet. “So I’ve been re-assigned as a more objective force.”

"Objective? What the hell do you mean by that?" Dean asked.

"It means that I am not afraid of enforcing God’s wrath on sinful, disobedient brats like yourself. So you will listen… you’re needed."

"We’re always needed. Can we get a break from this crap for just a few minutes? Five freakin’ minutes."

"We raised you out of Hell for our purposes." Uriel’s voice was quiet and dangerous. He scared the shit out of Sam, but Dean seemed to have no such fear.

"Your purposes. And what were those again? What, exactly, do you want from me?" His brother’s voice was a growl. Sam could hear he was passed angry.

"Start with gratitude." Uriel smirked.

"Dean, we know this is difficult to understand." Castiel finally spoke up. His face looked almost apologetic.

"And we…" Uriel looked back at Castiel. "… don’t care."

Castiel’s eyes looked down again. He looked almost cowed and Sam wondered what had happened in Heaven. 

"Cas?" Dean asked, sounding like he expected an answer. "C’mon…"

"Seven angels have been killed." Uriel started again, drawing attention back to him. 

"So?" Dean snorted.

"So we have Alastair… but we are having trouble getting the information from him. But we have something he doesn’t have… his student. You happen to be the most qualified interrogator we’ve got."

Sam looked over at Dean, realizing what Uriel meant. His brother’s face lost it’s color and his breath escaped as if he’d been punched in the gut.

"No." It was a grunt, as if Dean had trouble speaking. "No way. You can’t ask me to do this, Cas. Not this."

But it was Uriel, not Castiel who stepped forward and towered over Dean.

"Who said anything about asking?"

It happened fast. Only enough time for Sam to see the panicked look in Dean’s eyes before Uriel and his brother were gone. 

Castiel stood in front of Sam, his eyes full of sadness.

"Cas…? You can’t…"

"I don’t have a choice, Sam. I’m sorry. I protested against this, but in the end I was told to either fall in line or they’d eliminate the distraction. I made my choice and no harm will come to you."

Castiel raised on hand up as if he were going to caress Sam’s face, but disappeared before any touch was initiated.

~

Castiel arrived at the warehouse in time to see Uriel and Dean arguing as Dean tried to leave.

"You can’t make me do this!" Dean yelled. Castiel glanced through the foggy window into the room where Alastair was bound and trapped before turning to Dean.

"This is too much to ask, I know." He took a few steps closer. "But we have to ask it."

Dean seemed to take a moment to think, blinking slowly.

"I want to talk to Cas alone."

For once Uriel seemed to realize that intimidation would not be the best tactic, for which Castiel was grateful. He excused himself to seek revelation and Dean’s glare was soon directed at Castiel, but he could see the fear underneath.

"What’s going on, Cas? Since when does Uriel put a leash on you?"

"He already told-"

"No, I want to hear from you."

Castiel nodded and looked down in thought before choosing his words.

"My superiors have begun to question my sympathies."

"Sympathies?"

"I was getting too close to the humans in my charge." Castiel paused. "Sam and yourself." 

Dean’s eyes hardened and Castiel found he had to look away as he continued. “They feel I have begun to express emotions… doorways to doubt. This can impair my judgement.”

He knew the moment Dean’s fear for himself turned into anger on his brother’s behalf. He felt the shift of emotion, so strong in Dean, and he almost gasped from it.

"So… what then? You’re just going to fall in line like a toy soldier? After you convinced Sam that you cared, you’re just going to forget about it? We had a deal. You promised not to hurt him. You gave me your blade!"

"They threatened to kill him, Dean!" 

Dean froze and went silent. 

"They were going to eliminate the distraction… Sam. That is the only reason I am participating in this at all. I don’t want you to have to relive this part of your life, but I’m told we need it."

"If you ask me to open that door and walk through it…" Dean was facing away from him, but Castiel could hear the pain. "… you will not like what walks back out."

"For what it’s worth, I would give anything not to have you do this." Castiel hated himself more at that moment than he had ever hated anything in his long existence.

~

"Castiel… I don’t know if you’re listening, but I’m praying. I’m talking. I know you don’t want me to hurt, but the one thing that could hurt me the most is by harming my brother. You say you know me… then you should know this already. I honestly don’t care what could happen to me, I’ll do whatever I have to do to find Dean. You should know this too. You can’t keep me safe by hiding me away. I won’t let you. So… I’m asking you to choose a side. Either stand with my brother and I and fight against the angels, or stay with the angels. You can’t do both anymore."

Sam knew that Castiel would realize where his true allegiance lies and he’d realize his feelings for Sam had been false. Sparing Sam’s life was an excuse… the angel was scared of his own kind and would not stray too far from them. 

He should feel relieved and angry, Sam knew. But he had hoped, even a little bit… and he found that he was hurt every time he left himself open to anyone.

But now was not the time to dwell on hurt feelings. He needed to be strong. He needed to help Dean and he knew that no help would be coming from Castiel, so he’d called the only other being he knew could help.

Dean would be pissed when he found out, but Sam didn’t care as long as he got Dean back before anything could happen. He could deal with the consequences later. Desperate times…

There was a knock on the door and he opened it without checking first.

"Hey, Ruby…"

~

Castiel listened to the muffled groans of pain, the stifled screams that faded into sick laughter as Dean tortured the demon in the other room. Each moment filling him with more dread and regret. He hunched over, leaning against a table, wanting to hide away from the sounds and from the situation he’d put Dean Winchester in.

A grunt and a flash of pleasure radiated off Dean so powerfully that Castiel felt it without reaching with his grace. Something twisted in his gut and he wondered if angels could be sick while occupying a human vessel. The burning feeling in his throat seemed to say yes.

His reprieve from the sounds in the other room only came when he heard Sam’s prayer.

Castiel had managed to hurt Sam again. By saving him. By protecting him without giving thought to what Sam would have wanted. By being a coward against the forces of Heaven. By trying to do the right thing, he had alienated and betrayed Sam. And now Sam’s brother, and his friend, was back to where he was when Castiel pulled him out of Hell.

Castiel turned to face the table, using it to brace himself as his knees suddenly felt weak. He didn’t understand what was happening to him. There was nothing physically wrong with him, but he couldn’t stop feeling as if he could die any moment. His vision seemed to tunnel and his whole body felt fevered.

He needed to move, he needed. He needed to choose. He needed to act on that choice.

Now.

"Castiel!"

He looked up. The table was gone and his knees dipped momentarily without the support and Castiel caught himself, straightening his legs. He was in the very motel room he’d left Sam in, but now there was an additional occupant. 

"Sam." He greeted.

"I didn’t think you’d…. are you okay?" Sam rushed to his side, and he supposed that the emotional turmoil he felt had made itself apparent through it’s physical symptoms. Sam’s hands were on him, one under his arm and the other around his waist as if to hold him steady.

"He’s an angel… one of the angels who took your brother. Do you really care if he’s okay?" Ruby sneered.

"I choose you." Castiel said, ignoring the demon. Then he noticed the fresh cut on her arm and the blood that was trickling down to her wrist. He looked at Sam, brand new pain searing into his chest. "Did you-?"

"Ruby, leave us." Sam closed his eyes, the arm around Castiel’s waist pulling back to his own body. 

"You can’t be serious. You called me-"

"Go!"

Ruby snapped her jaws shut with a crack before she grabbed her jacket and stormed out of the room.

Sam guided Castiel to sit on the edge of his bed. Though the angel felt more sturdy than before, he took advantage of it. He didn’t know if the weakness would come again, and he decided he did not like this side effect of being open to feelings and emotions.

He tried to reach out with his grace, tried to sense Sam. Sam seemed to sense his questions.

"I didn’t drink any blood. I was going to…"

Castiel breathed a sigh of relief. The tension bled out of his body and he fell backwards on the bed with a sigh.

"It is my fault that you thought you had to."

"Are you sure you’re okay?" Castiel could hear the concern in Sam’s voice. He knew his actions and behavior were less stiff… less formal… than previous, but he could not bring himself to care. Emotions were draining and he felt as if he’d experienced every single negative one in a span of twenty minutes.

"I will be fine. It is your brother who is not. We must go." Castiel pushed himself up from the bed, grabbing Sam’s arm and pulling him with.

"Cas, wait…" Castiel paused and looked into Sam’s eyes, bright hazel gold and green shining with something he couldn’t identify as he waited. "Just… thank you."

"Do not thank me for righting the wrong I should not have committed in the first place." But he felt lighter with Sam’s thanks and he felt as if his halo shined brighter.


	8. Chapter 8

Sam stumbled as they landed in the warehouse. 

"Through that door." Castiel pointed. Sam nodded and pushed, opening the door with a loud creak. Neither Dean nor Alastair on the rack seemed to notice.

He was frozen for a moment when he saw Dean take Ruby’s blade and slice very slow and precise lines down Alastair’s chest.

"Come on, Grasshopper. I’ve seen you do better than this." The demon grunted out. That’s when Dean smiled and pressed a hand full of salt into the wounds, causing Alastair to yell in pain.

Dean was smiling. And that disturbed Sam more than his actions.

"Dean?" He asked, cautiously. He saw Dean stiffen and, when Dean turned, his eyes were full of horror. It was quickly stifled with a gulp and then he just looked confused.

"Sammy? You can’t- you’re…"

"Dean, you need to stop. It’s okay. Cas said it’s okay. You don’t have to do this."

"Cas?" Dean’s eyes flicked to the side, behind Sam, and then back again. He took a deep breath. "Right… Cas. Because you’re not dead. This isn’t…"

Sam realized how much Dean had lost himself in the moment just then. He rushed forward and knocked the salt and blade from Dean’s hands and wrapped his arms around him. 

"Don’t give up now. We were just getting started." Alastair grinned at them. "I was just about to thank Dean here for helping me out, helping us out. After all, he’s the one who started all of this."

Dean pulled out of the hug and faced the demon, but Sam didn’t let go. He kept a hand on one shoulder, wanting to ground Dean if he needed it.

"What do you mean?" Dean asked. Sam turned a questioning eye to Castiel, but the angel was silent and watched Dean with sad eyes. Sam looked back to Dean and Alastair.

"The first time you picked up my blade. The first time you sliced into that weeping bitch… that was the first seal."

"You’re lying." Sam protested. Dean was the one who was supposed to end the apocalypse.

"At it is written that the first seal shall be broken when a righteous man sheds blood in Hell. As he breaks, so shall it break."

There was silence, but Sam could feel Dean shaking under his hand. 

"We had to break the first one before any others… only way to get the dominoes to fall right. Topple the one at the front of the line."

Dean ripped himself away from Sam’s hand and walked stiffly back to the cart of weapons he had set out. He leaned against the cart as if he were incapable of holding his own weight anymore.

"Dean… don’t listen-"

"When we win." Alastair continued, interrupting Sam. "When we bring on the apocalypse and burn this earth down… we’ll owe it all to you, Dean Winchester."

Dean moved faster than Sam thought possible at the moment and he threw a jug of holy water at the demon, who started screaming as steam rose and swirled in the air above him.

"Dean!" Sam pulled him back again, this time with help from Castiel. The angel and Sam shared a look as they held Dean from the demon and then they were in the motel room again.

The fight left Dean’s body and he fell to his knees, his chest heaving with great gasps of breath. Sam crouched beside him, rubbing circles on his back the way Dean used to do for him.

"It’s okay now." Sam murmured. Dean coughed as he tried to get his breathing under control, just barely avoiding a full blown panic attack. 

"Dean, I never should have asked you-"

"Was he telling the truth?" Dean interrupted. "Did I start all this? Is this my fault?" He looked up at Castiel from the floor. Sam didn’t dare look at either of them, focusing on his hand on Dean’s back.

"He was telling the truth about the first seal. But it is not your fault. You are human and you would break eventually. That is fact.” Castiel started slow, his gravelly voice gentle as he explained to Dean. “When we first learned of Lilith’s plan for you, we laid siege to Hell and we fought our way to get to you before you-“

"Jump started the apocalypse?" Dean’s voice broke. Castiel paused and sighed before nodding.

"But we were too late."

"Why didn’t you just leave me there, then?" 

"It’s not blame that falls on you, Dean. It’s fate." Castiel crouched in front of Dean and Sam. "And the righteous man who begins it is the only one who can finish it."

Sam didn’t care if he was crying now. It wasn’t for himself. Tears of grief for his brother who had to bear this heavy burden. When he felt Dean shuddering beneath his hands, he knew his brother was overcome also.

"It’s too much. I can’t do this. It’s too big."

"Dean… you won’t be alone. You don’t have to bear this weight on your own." Castiel reached one hand out to Dean’s shoulder.

"He’s right, Dean. You’ve got us." Sam agreed.

"Dean… I have rebelled against Heaven. I will be fighting by your sides from now on. But you have to pull yourself together because they will be looking for us all when they discover us missing."

Dean nodded and Sam helped him stand up. As soon as they were all standing, Castiel put both hands out and Sam felt a sudden ache in his chest that disappeared as quickly as it had appeared.

"What the hell was that?" Dean yelled, clutching his chest and backing away.

"I have hidden you from the angels. I carved protective sigils on your ribs."

"Wh-?" Sam didn’t even know what to say or ask. Fortunately, he didn’t have to.

"Whatever. Okay… I need… bed." Dean grunted. He pushed passed Sam and Castiel to fall face forward on is bed, asleep before his head hit the mattress.

Sam and Castiel were alone again.

Sam gestured towards the door with his head and the two of them went outside to talk without waking Dean.

"So… now what?" He asked, leaning backwards against the railing on the walkway. Castiel tilted his head quizzically and Sam elaborated. "Well, if we’re working against the angels… how do we stop the seals from breaking? Stop Lilith?"

Castiel nodded and leaned back with Sam, close enough that Sam could feel the static in the air immediately surrounding the angel. He noticed the electric feeling often when in close proximity to Castiel and would have to ask about it.

"You both have been doing well on your own already. I doubt it would be so different."

"And you?"

"Me?"

"Will you go back to Heaven?" Castiel was quiet. When Sam looked over at him, he saw that Castiel was staring at him. He looked so sad and disappointed. "Cas?"

"I chose you." His voice was like sandpaper, and so full of grief that Sam wanted to cry. But he wouldn’t know what he would be crying for.

"I…. yeah, you said that."

"Sam, I cannot return to Heaven. Ever. I have rebelled against my brothers as Lucifer before me. I can never go back."

Sam’s breath was stolen from him as he gaped. Castiel had given up everything for them. His home, his family, everything he’d ever known for… however long angels lived. Castiel seemed to sense his difficulty and put his hand over Sam’s.

"I chose you." He repeated. "Not the Winchesters. Not humans. I chose you."

"You chose… me. But you gave up everything. I’m not worth-" Sam was silenced by Castiel’s finger on his lips. The angel had pushed away from the railing and now stood directly in front of him.

"Sam Winchester, you are worth that and more. I would give up the stars in the sky if it took that to spend one more moment in your presence." Castiel’s blue eyes seemed to glow under the moonlight as he looked up at Sam. Sam could lose himself, drown in them if he were to let himself go. 

"You lo- you love me." It was so hard to speak. He couldn’t seem to get enough air as the truth settled over him. 

"I do." Castiel nodded, his lips stretching slightly into a little smile. "And you love me."

"I… yeah… I do." Sam surprised himself as he nodded enthusiastically.

A sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob broke free from his mouth and he covered it with his hand, feeling wetness on his cheek. He hadn’t realized he was crying and didn’t know when it started, but he knew it wasn’t bad. The feeling bursting from his chest, though slightly overwhelming, was light and warm.

"Sam…" Soft fingers reached up and wiped away the tears before Sam’s hand was pulled away from his face and gently held by Castiel. He wrapped Sam’s hand in both of his own, squeezing gently almost a repeat of the handshake they’d shared on the day they first met.

Before he realized what he was doing, Sam’s other hand reached up and grasped at the collar of Castiel’s coat, pulling him in closer. He dipped his head and their lips met with a shock of lightning, or so it felt. Castiel was still at first, lips stiff, but he melted quickly and he pressed in more, sucking Sam’s bottom lip before pulling away. Sam grinned and his lips chased after, not willing to let go so quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only the epilogue left to go.


	9. Epilogue

… some time down the road…

"Sam Winchester… today, my love, I went on a date. You were so very excited to be there for my first one. I assume this is a very important thing for people and I am glad to have been able to experience it. The experience was enjoyable, but my favorite part was the end. Being able to call you home lifts my heart and fills me with joy everlasting. I am truly blessed to have found you in this endless universe. Amen."

Castiel opened his eyes and looked up at Sam from where he was sitting on his knees by the bed. Sam was sitting at the head of the bed against a pillow, clothed in boxer shorts and a white t-shirt. An amused yet touched smile adorned his face.

"What are you doing, Cas?"

"I’m praying to you as you prayed to me." Castiel pushed off his knees and stood, his hands slowly pressing out the pajama pants that Sam and Dean had bought him. After wearing the suit and trench coat, he was still slightly uncomfortable without the stiff layers of fabric. With his new clothing, he often felt the need to smooth out wrinkles as he moved around.

"I’m right here." Sam grinned.

"It would not work if you weren’t. You wouldn’t hear it. And you deserve prayers. Praise. Worship. You are divine, magnificent, majestic, beautiful… incandescently so." 

Sam’s face was glowing pink. It was a physical reaction that Castiel enjoyed seeing and tried to create as much as possible. 

With their lives now forever intertwined, Castiel was able to notice, learn, and appreciate all the different facets or Sam. Every little mannerism and quirk were like droplets of life giving water and Castiel drank in every detail. Sam was his now and forever, and Castiel would never forget his importance, never take for granted what he had with this man.

Little things like the way Sam’s long and graceful fingers would stroke the edge of his blanket when he was tired and trying to hide it. Like he was doing right now.

Castiel climbed into the bed alongside Sam, grateful for one more night alone as Dean insisted Sam not be there when he finally ended Ruby.

After they’d found the prophet, Chuck, they’d discovered her true plans to have Sam break the final seal. Together, with Castiel’s power, the three of them were able to kill Lilith before any other seals were broken. Without the final seal, it no longer mattered how many seals broke afterwards… the end piece would never fall in it’s place.

Sam had been devastated to find out just how much he’d been manipulated and Dean felt it was his brotherly duty to find the demon that hurt his brother and hurt them back. Dean had already called to say the job was finished, but he was another day away. Sam and Castiel had one more night alone before big brother came back.

"You know, you don’t have to come to bed. I know you don’t need to sleep." Sam’s words were soft and, Castiel knew, empty. Sam wanted him in the bed just as much as Castiel wanted to be there with him.

"I quite enjoy holding you. I am humbled that you choose to trust me to keep you safe in your most vulnerable times… and your pure light shines brightest when your soul is free from conscious restraints. It is a wonder to behold."

He was aware that he could have given a more simple answer to assure Sam, but more and more he found that simple phrases and generic words were just not accurate enough to describe Sam. Castiel had yet to find the perfect words and so he kept searching, kept speaking them in his quest to find a way to encapsulate all that is Sam Winchester.

Castiel carefully pulled the blankets over himself and Sam, trying (and failing) to keep it free from wrinkles. As Sam reached over to switch off the light, Castiel smoothed one hand over the blanket and then his pillow before he laid his head down and wrapped is arm around Sam, pulling him close. He breathed deeply the scent of Sam’s shampoo as it mixed with his natural musk.

"Dear Cas… each and every day, I am amazed by you. Your devotion astounds me and is so much more than I ever thought I could be worthy of. Your love is what I’d been missing for so long and I’m so glad to finally see it. I love you more than words can say. Amen."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END
> 
> So... maybe leave a comment and tell me how you liked or didn't like it?


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